Tongue Cancer: 8 Ways to Make It A Family Affair

Get the Support You Need After a Tongue Cancer Diagnosis from your Family

“You have tongue cancer.”

In the time it takes to hear those words, lives change forever. The folks who receive the dreaded diagnosis instantly become reluctant members of the Big C Club – the club no one joins voluntarily. Cancer of the tongue, the esophagus, gums or larynx changes individuals’ lives permanently.

However, the new cancer patient isn’t the only one impacted by the diagnosis of tongue cancer or other oral cancers. You better believe, it’s going to impact the entire family, social networks, work groups and people who suddenly view themselves as “victims.”

Living with oral cancer is difficult, despite improved outcomes, especially when the disease is caught early. With today’s computer-aided surgical options, oral surgeons can aggressively go after the cancer through the use of laser surgery, more precise radiation treatments and chemo with fewer negative side effects (and a lot more positive affects thanks to on-going reasons into how and why oral cancers develop.)

So, how do you keep life on an even keel after a loved ones receives the frightening diagnosis: “You have cancer of the lip.”

1. Recognize the stages the new patient passes through.

Routinely, new cancer patients go through various phases, ultimately leading to acceptance. Disbelief and denial, deal making with the god of choice, anger (and even mis-directed rage), and, ultimately, acceptance. In fact, many cancer patients report a feeling off calmness when they reach this Zen-like state. What will be will be, one day at a time.

Adapt to the emotions of the patient. If your spouse grumbles that dinner isn’t ready, don’t lash out. Recognize that your spouse isn’t angry that dinner isn’t ready. She’s angry because she’s fighting a battle against cancer and life doesn’t seem fair.

2. Build a support network.

Friends, family, neighbors – all can pitch in and tend to the patients’ needs. As a family member (the only grown-up in the household), you may feel that the full weight of in-family tongue cancer has landed squarely on your shoulders. It hasn’t.

Never be afraid to ask loved ones to help. THEY WANT TO HELP. JUST TELL THEM WHAT YOU NEED DONE!

Expand the support network by joining community groups of cancer survivors. There’s nothing more motivational than hearing how a neighbor fought cancer for 15 years and is now cancer free. That’s motivational.

3. Assess and respect the patient's needs.

Some people react with a “come what may” attitude, others are terrified to death – of death. As a family member, it’s easy to assess what the cancer patient needs.

Some just want a willing ear to listen. At these times, it’s difficult NOT to offer suggestions but, in many cases, the patient just wants to talk. Learn what your family member wants. If she spends two weeks in a darkened room, well, that’s how she deals with a cancer diagnosis. Don’t try to force the patient through the various stages of denial to acceptance. These stages of psychological feeling evolve one into the other without any help from you.

And never say things like “Everything will be alright.” The patient may be made to feel weak or a quitter because she sure doesn’t feel like evertyhing’ll be alright – at least at the moment.

Listen patiently and support your family members feelings. Respect them. They’re the feelings most cancer patients feel upon receipt of that Big C heads up. “Oh, by the way, we found a tumor on your larynx.” Your family member or friend, co-worker or neighbor often just wants to talk without any input. This kind of therapy helps cancer patients to move more smoothly through the emotional stages of being a cancer patient.

4. Maintain household routines

Routines help us maintain order in our lives, enabling us to wake up, trod down stairs in our slippers, start the coffee, let out the dog, feed the cat and get the morning paper – before we’re even awake. Routines (some call them ruts) enable people to multi-task, performing some activities by rote while thinking about two or three other things as we prepare our world famous meat loaf for the 1,000th  time.

Expect changes in routine. Visits to physicians, surgeons, radiologists, oncologists and professional counselors trained to help new cancer patients adapt and quickly – to their new circumstances.

5. I’m your wife, not a victim!

One of the worst parts of becoming a member of the Big C Club is that people’s perception of you changes. You go from husband or wife, mother or father, faithful friend or reliable co-worker to cancer victim. Overnight.

And victims FEEL victimized. Treat cancer patients in your life as you normally would. Let the patient take the lead. If he wants to talk about it over lunch, ask for more breadsticks and listen with compassion and patience. But NOT pity.

Cancer patients don’t want your pity. They want your support so don’t change the way you view your cancer-stricken family member, friend or neighbor, Treat them as you always have. Let them know that you’re an ally, available to help and then let the patient chart the course.

If he wants to talk about it, he will. (See being a good listener above.) It’s not about finding solutions. That’s what the medical community does so be there for emotional support, psychological support, love and a big hug. That’s all the patient needs to know.

6. Never play down the feelings of the patient.

Let them cry. Let them release the stress. Let them be enraged. Listen attentively but never tell the cancer patient to “buck up.” You aren’t the one with the cancer diagnosis so best to keep your mouth closed.

7. Accompany the cancer patient on each visit to a medical professional.

Patients – educated patients – are their own best advocates. However, when you’re scared about an unknown future, all that important information – names, dates, appointments, a step-by-step analysis of treatment options  - may get lost.

Information overload.

That’s why you’re there. Bring a pad and write down all the important information provided by the treating physicians and specialists. Take careful notes so you can go over them over tea at the coffee shop on every corner.

8. Take on more responsibility.

A worker, diagnosed with Hodgkin’s eight months before retirement receives help from all his friends and co-workers. If the patient couldn’t do the job, or needed a day off after treatments, his co-workers covered for him. That’s support. That’s real help. That’s friendship shining through.

Around the house, do the laundry even if you don’t know which switch does what. Learn.

Do the laundry, strip the beds, do the shopping – do things that the cancer patient doesn’t want to do, or can’t do at the moment. Don’t make a big deal about it. Just make it a new part of your daily routine.

Remember, this is someone you love. This is about supporting a loved one who’s received a diagnosis if tongue cancer.

Even if the load’s on you, take on more as needed and do so with a smile. We want that loved one to feel the support, the attention, the love. In many cases…

…these are medicines more powerful than any oncologist can ever prescribe.